I Hope You're Happy

Democratic Presidential politics

1.    The Audacity of Hope beats the Politics of paranoia and division
2.    Every campaign must one day come to an end in the face of reality. Even Hillary’s.
3.    Politics is more than a name (Clinton, Kennedy).
4.    The expressed desire to castrate somebody reflects rather poorly when that person is the fulfillment of your life’s mission. And you want to get your son into his vacated Senate seat.
5.    Dennis Kucinich is a lucky man.
6.    When in the thick of it, if you’re a woman, showing stress and shedding tears makes you more human, if you’re a man it means you’re weak.
7.    In political poker, gender and race are essentially equal hands, and only serves to divide the pot.

Republican Presidential Politics

8.    Conservatives are as conservatives admonish.
9.    Divide and conquer is not a good strategy for the political battlefield.
10.    Fear leads to the dark side.
11.    Some people believe everything you tell them. Those people voted for Sarah Palin and that lecherous old guy that followed her around.
12.    Lecherous is a word that isn’t used enough anymore.
13.    A pitbull’s bite is a good deterrent to voters.
14.    The only thing that is un-American is believing an opposing viewpoint is un-American.
15.    When using Yahoo for professional off the record email, make sure your password is not public knowledge.
16.    When running on a cleaning up corruption platform, it helps to not be corrupt yourself (this is for Palin, but repeats for Blagojevich).
17.    There really should be a separation between personal and politics.
18.    Being a political sideshow is not good for advertising your business, especially if you’re a plumber.
19.    Sometimes being a plumber is more interesting than being a presidential candidate.
20.    When you’re a presidential candidate, make sure your running mate and mascots are not more entertaining than you are.
21.    When suspending your campaign, go directly to Washington D.C., do not make a stop for an interview, and mosey into town a day late and without a plan, do not pass go, do not collect $200.
22.    Apparently, one of the primary means of gaining foreign policy experience is proximity.
23.    In choosing a vice presidential running mate, choosing an unknown quantity means you’re getting an unknown quantity.
24.    It takes more than a fresh coat of lipstick to make a pitbull or a pig look intelligent.
25.    When choosing a running mate to parrot talking points, sometimes choosing a parrot would be more effective.
26.    Guilt by association is hard to make stick, and not a valid campaign strategy.
27.    You can neither put lipstick on a pig, nor designer labels on an Alaskan governor
28.    The person leading us into our science fiction future should be able to use email
29.    I never want to hear the word “maverick” again
30.    knowing how many houses you have is a pretty important piece of information
31.    You can’t see Russia from Wasilla. Not even with really good binoculars.
32.    Republican women appear to be either hausfraus or Nazi Dominatrixes.

Legislative Branch

33.    No matter what bad things you say about the Democrats, if you smile nicely and plead a little they’ll let you back into the club.
34.    Florida’s 16th District has really bad cooties
35.    According to Michele Bachmann, we don’t have to worry about the environment because Jesus saved us.
36.    The investigation into anti-American politicians should start in Minnesota’s 6th district

Media

37.    You are what you eat applies equally to eaters and FoxNews Viewers.
38.    Ann Coulter is a hate crime
39.    Chuck Norris may have a roundhouse kick that can deflect asteroids, but he’d never win a political debate.
40.    The media sucks at the teat more than bites the hand that feeds. So many opportunities for hard follow-up questions lost.
41.    Watching Fox News on a Democratic victory night is the best show in town.
42.    It is increasingly difficult to get away with lies due to the internet and bloggers. This is the up side of the Schwartz.
43.    The media is going vigilante with blogs. This is the downside of the Schwartz.
44.    Even though the Huffington Post doesn’t pay its contributors, it still plagiarizes.
45.    Thanks to in-depth reporting that holds itself to high standards, we now know exactly what it looks like when you put lipstick on a pig.

General elections

46.    The Bradley effect no longer exists, if it ever did.
47.    It is entirely possible that people just didn’t like Bradley.
48.    Religion is beginning to be a political faultline
49.    When running for political office, don’t piss off David Letterman.

Gubernatorial Politics

50.    The Free market value of a Senate seat in Illinois will likely be measured in time, not dollars.
51.    When running on a cleaning up corruption platform, it helps to not be corrupt yourself, Blago.
52.    When choosing a governor in Illinois, the lesser of two evils is still pretty evil.
53.    It’s good to be the king, not so much to be Elliot Spitzer.
54.    Getting your ex brother in law fired is more trouble than it is worth.
55.    Congrats to the 48 other governors who didn’t make a spectacle of themselves.
56.    Roland Burris is now Rod Blagojevich’s middle finger.

Continuing stories

57.    What happens in an airport bathroom in Minnesota does not stay in an airport bathroom in Minnesota, and the court won’t let you take it back either.

Economy

58.    The Fundamentals of our economy are not strong
59.    When Congress asks you for a plan before they give you bailout money, have a plan ready to go.
60.    Free Market Libertarians are wrong.
61.    The Market doesn’t know what’s best for it.
62.    If the returns on investment are too good to be true, they probably are.
63.    Ponzi is more than a fun word to say.
64.    Madoff is a name “Made Off” is a verb phrase that should be preceded by “almost”

Misc

65.    Chinese democracy is possible, but it will take far too long, cost far too much, and ultimately be disappointing.
66.    When faced with the choice of maybe losing a Senate seat to the Republicans or leaving the choice in the hands of a corrupt governor, Illinois Democrats are just as timid as their Senate Big Brothers.
67.    There is one thing that we can all agree the Bush Administration did right: the Anti-Telemarketer no-call list.
68.    Say good bye to the two worst presidents we’ve ever had, Cheney and What’s his name.