POST 9: FORGIVING MYSELF

Forgiving myself was one of the hardest parts of my healing journey. For years, I carried a deep guilt tied to the confusion of my body’s response to the abuse. Our bodies react to stimuli, whether we want them to or not, and for a young child, it was an impossible puzzle. My mind tried to block it out, but my body’s reaction felt like betrayal. I thought, I must be dirty; I must be the one at fault. That guilt settled deep inside me, convincing me that I didn’t deserve love, that I was somehow complicit. I felt trapped, disgusted with myself, as if the abuse had tainted me in ways I’d never be able to wash away.

As I grew older, that feeling of disgust didn’t fade. It stayed with me, becoming a constant shadow in my life. My self-esteem was practically nonexistent. I became a people pleaser, always putting others’ needs first, a habit that was reinforced by my Soviet upbringing and the ever-present question, What will people think?. Shame became a part of me, something I thought I’d have to live with forever.

When I first opened up to my therapist, she told me something I’d never considered—that the abuse wasn’t my fault. At first, I didn’t believe her. I tried to convince her otherwise, to prove to her that somehow I was responsible, that my body’s reaction made me guilty. But she was patient, guiding me through the deep forest of my mind, showing me a way out that I hadn’t been able to see on my own.

It didn’t happen in just one session. It was a gradual process, but with her help, I started to understand that my body’s reaction didn’t define me, that I hadn’t done anything wrong. For the first time, I felt a glimmer of compassion for myself. I realized that I wasn’t tainted or unworthy; I was just a person who had been hurt and needed healing.

That shift changed everything. I began to see that I was worthy of love—if anything, I was worthy of loving myself. After years of feeling weighed down by shame, it was like stepping into the light. I felt a sense of freedom I hadn’t known was possible.”

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