I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY

Dear Mom,

I understand that this letter might be meant for someone I no longer have contact with, but it feels the same. Unfortunately, I am writing this with tears in my eyes, and I wish they were tears of happiness, but they are not. I wish you understood me more and stood by my side. I let everything go to waste, and we never talked about things. You were never really good at listening to me.

When I came out, everything was about you and not about me. I understand that you have health problems, I am human, and I understand, but I am tired of living a lie for almost ten years. I wish you had held me in your arms and told me that you love me. You used to say it so often. Now, more than a year has passed, and you haven t said it to me at all. Before, you used to say it almost every day.

There is tension between us, I can feel it, even though we act normal with each other. You told me to stop with this nonsense, that I chose this, that I cannot love someone of the same gender. You called me a prisoner back then and told me to find someone of the opposite sex. It hurt. I cried all night.

And when I wanted to tell Dad, you just stopped me, telling me that you needed to “digest it” first. More than a year has passed, and Dad still doesn’t know. You never brought it up again. I don t have the courage to do it anymore. You scared me that day.

I thought that coming out to you would help me, but now I don t know what to believe anymore. You left your child alone, but this child still loves you.